Archive for ‘March, 2013’

definition: accomplished aim; resolution; determination; intention; full of meaning; a reason for.

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i read something recently that talked about “purpose”.  the article asked questions like; “what is the purpose?” ” what is the desired outcome?” “am I being honest with myself?”…. this made me think about my life and my dreams.  it also made me reflect on what holds me back…”fear”.  i’m consumed by my thoughts of fear; fear in pursuing my dreams and fear in accomplishing my goals.  And, at the same time, i recognized if i challenged that fear in me, use it to motivate me, my dreams will come true and probably even greater than I could ever imagine.  as i get older i try to look at fear in a different way.  my old habit is to run away so am trying to form new habits of pushing through this fear and treating it more like a obstacle to push past.

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I did that recently when i approached a photographer i’ve admired and asked if he’d be willing to do a one on one workshop.  he said yes.  wow, that was easy.  i was so excited until the day came to meet, my first session with him.  i was struck with fear.  i almost didn’t go.  i started thinking of excuses to cancel this workshop.  my fears manifested in negative thoughts telling me I was wasting his time, I wasn’t good enough etc.. started to flood my head.  i was on the verge of tears.  i had a good friend visiting me and shared with her what was going on.  she was compassionate to my feelings while at the same time pushed me into going by reminding me, with my own words, about why i wanted to do this workshop.   I am so glad she did.  it was GREAT!  my biggest accomplishment that day was just showing up.  what i learned that day was immeasurable.  it was just what i needed to hear the and timing couldn’t have been better.  what is also interesting is the information i learned in that class not only taught me a lot about myself as a photographer, but about myself in general.  it was quite enlightening.  it is amazing how this was a much bigger life lesson than i had imagined or anticipated.

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at the end of class i was given an assignment.   i felt fear sweep through my body.  i knew this assignment would be challenging for me.  i was encouraged to do a bit of street photography and to get up and close with the subjects.  get into the scene.  i chose a street scene and a social gathering in which to do this assignment. i actually thought the social gathering would be a bit easier because i knew the people.  both proved to be quite challenging.  i not only felt the fear but also felt so emotional as if i could cry at any moment.  i not only had to deal with fear in doing the assignment but also felt my creative drive had somehow disappeared.  it was as if my creative side had been drained from my body.  i had no idea what to do.  again, the negative emotions flooded my body and it was all i could do to not burst into tears.  what were these fears?  most were the fear of failure and feeling inadequate.  again, i wanted to give up.   once again,  i found myself trying to push aside the fear and to just do the assignment.  it was not great work and yet I learned a lot from it.  it was great to discuss this at my second workshop session.  i knew my work wasn’t great but hearing the feedback had me understanding why, encouragement on ways to improve on it and had me reflecting on how I felt during these assignments so that i, personally, know what i can do to improve them.  it will take some time and i will be out once again pushing through my fears because i know this is the road i must travel.

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so, as i look back at “purpose” i am reminded that my fears are my NOT being honest with myself and that in order to achieve my desired outcome i must not listen to the fears and let them hold me back and instead focus on the outcome.  by doing so i will find my “purpose”.

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i often wonder how share a piece of my life with a dear friend I’ve yet to me.  I’ve spoken about my friend here and here.  as i’ve mentioned on more than one occasion we are friends and we’ve never met.  we’ve written to each other, emailed each other, sent cards and gifts.  i thought a letter on my blog would be a bit of fun too.

dear km,

today started out like any typical day in my home.  my dog, gracie, sleeps on the sofa while staring out the window.  she’s 12 and has arthritis in her rear legs which makes moving around painful.  if she isn’t following the kids or me around the house in hopes for food or attention she lies on the sofa staring out into the street and observes the going ons.  she knows the routine of neighbors and when something is not part of the daily routine she barks and if something is really odd, she barks a bit more aggressively.  if she sees someone she knows she may still bark but you will see her stubby tail wag.

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this morning was bath time.  the kids still like to take a bath together yet there is often a lot of laughter followed by screaming and crying.  one moment it is all fun and games and the next it is hitting and dumping water over each other.  today was a bit more emotional.  they just couldn’t figure out how to play well together so bath time ended early.

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today i planned on taking a brief excursion to vashon island while the kids hung out with their dad.  Ms. L decided she wanted to spend time with me instead so off we went on our adventure.  she was just so excited to spend time with just me.  no dad, no brother.  everything was just so exciting to her.

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i think most kids would be bored waiting for the ferry but not L.  she enjoyed getting out of the car and looking at the water.  once on the ferry she lead me all around the boat pulling me from one side of the boat to the other.  everything was interesting, everything was fun.

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once off the boat we drove the 5-6 miles to a small little town just south of the town of Vashon.  it was a quant little spot with nothing more than a coffee roaster, coffee museum and a general store.  all were connected.

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we spent the longest time hanging out in and out of the store. outside she played in front of the store walking up and down the porch, inside she shopped for the treats she wanted to munch on while we explored.

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i wasn’t prepared for the length of time it took us just to get to the island so our time on the island wasn’t as long as I had hoped so we didn’t get down to the water to explore because it wasn’t long before we had to head back to the ferry for our return trip home.  before heading back we took a little drive to the town of burton where we checked out the water, got out and enjoyed a view of the harbor and then stopped by a curiosity shop before heading back to the ferry.

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funny, i was worried that our trip didn’t provide enough fun for L but she did not complain once.  instead she laughed and kept saying “c’mon mama….” and then would pull me wherever it was she wanted to go.  i realize the trip didn’t have to be a huge adventure for her to have fun, she just wanted to be with me.

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i’ve read a lot lately about mindfulness and today I practiced being in the moment with L and what a beautiful moment it was.

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all my best dear friend…

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