Archive for ‘November, 2012’

what a wonderful feeling it is to grab the post only to find a special treat inside.  that is what happened to me today.  i saw a package in the post and assumed it was from my mom to my kids (i’ve been expecting a package from her) and to my surprise i noticed the ‘royal mail’ stamp on the package.  i knew, at that moment,  it was for me.

although we correspond on a regular basis, i still have yet to meet my dear friend from london.  as i opened up the package i smiled….. it seems so odd that someone i have not yet met can know me so well.  the card she sent had a beautiful photo of hers on the front, what a wonderful treasure.  the book is an incredible photo book on the life work of nan goldin (i recently admired her work at the elles; pompidou exhibit). i am not only sincerely touched by this beautiful gift but am also touched by the fact that she knew me so well in the choice of book she sent.  it was obvious she knows me well.

thank you my friend, this means the world to me.

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i saw a facebook status quote from a photographer|artist dana de luca, ‘When you look at my photographs, you are looking at my thoughts’.  this made me stop and think.  this is similar to the way i feel about my photographs.  how i feel, what i am thinking and who i am are often reflected in my photos.

it has been a long time since i’ve posted.  there are some significant things happening in my life that have me flooded with emotions; happy, sad, and loneliness.  these emotions have me chanting more than ever.  although i discovered some months ago that i’ve lost me i didn’t really reflect on that nor did i do anything about it.  what did that mean, actually?  how would i find me?  i also realized i am not happy.  although i have suffered with depression, that is not the feeling i am having.  the feeling i have is my life is someone else’s, not mine.  i live to please others thinking i will find my happiness in doing that and, obviously, was wrong.  i also thought i found happiness in someone and immersed myself into that until i realized that i was even more unhappy and gave someone this huge burden by being responsible for my happiness.  what would it mean for me to be happy?  well i had two pretty incredible friends tell me that i couldn’t find happiness until i found it in myself first.  what???  well they were right.  until i could be happy being me, doing things for me, and finding myself i wasn’t going to be happy.

a month ago i quit my photography class.  the stress of my unhappiness, the friendship i had that went sour and the flood of emotions at home had me overwhelmed and ended up quitting one of the most important things to me, my photography class.  photography is usually the place i can escape to and pour my emotions into and instead i walked away.  i felt ashamed, depressed and without a place to dump my emotions.  that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing at the time because i had to turn inward spiritually and re-discover me.  i have been so amazed at what has resulted because of this.  i have old friends showing up in my life that i haven’t seen or spoken to in years, i have discovered new friends and i have had the confidence to stand up for myself (still a work in progress).  while this has not been easy and there is still a lot of emotion wrapped up in all of “this” it is still exciting and progress is being made.

i picked up my camera today and instead of wrapping myself up in ‘what others might think’ or in over thinking what it is i wanted to take photos of i just captured a bit of my surroundings.  no master plan, no agenda, just photos showing representing visual thoughts|feelings of how i am looking at life around me.

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